What it's like...

I am not writing this blog post to feel sympathy, complain or pull the "feel sorry for me card". Nope. I know it would be nice to do that. But I am writing this entry for people to be aware of Arthritis. Aware that people can hide it. Aware that people are in pain.

When I was younger, I always thought my mom was "faking" the pain. Or "Oh you can walk farther than that.. Lame." Or be embarassed of my mom and her deformed hands and feet. The exhaustion she felt.

Well I think my lesson is learned, in compassion. Cause I feel like I'm experiencing whatever she has tenfold!

Did you know Kathleen Turner has RA? Bet you didn't. I just found that out while reading the book "Take me home from the Oscars". Great book. I found a newfound hero, Christine Schwab. This book outlines her life and how she tried to hide the arthritis that took over her body. She is a fashion consultant for Live with Kelly Ripa, ET and was on Oprah and Nightly News. I admire her and her battle with this disease greatly. She gave me hope and the push to know that everything will be okay.

This morning I was asked "What does Arthritis feel like?". I was at the lab to get my blood drawn. A monthly thing for me now. This month I had to go give 9 tubes of blood plus a TB test. (in Prepration for Embrel! We will get to that later.)

My answer to the lab tech was "If you every had someone crushing a part of your body with a sledgehammer.. yet you don't see the pain or the blood. Not to mention the fact you feel like little terminites are eating away at your joints. It's kinda like that."

Her eyes got wide and she said "That sucks"
Yeah it does suck but I'm learning if I don't have a positive attitude with this disease it will consume me. It will consume me to the point where I won't want to move and slip into a dark place. It's basically like going through the five stages of grief when dealing with a chronic disease. 

Denial
Anger
Bargaining  
Depression
Acceptance

I'm can say I'm finally at acceptance. I'm accepting the fact that this will never go away. I need to move on with my life and not let it consume me.

Enbrel is the "mircle" drug. The drug to help slow down the disease dramatically and possibly stop it. Embrel was developed in the early 90's in clinically studies.

Refresher, Rheumatoid Arthritis is a disease where I have too many anti bodies (they fight off diseases meaning my immune system is crazy wacked) so they are out of control and chew on my joints. It's an auto immune disease.

Enbrel acts as a regularator. So my immune system will chill out and go back to normal. This cure all drug, which right now I would do anything for, costs about $1800 without insurance and I administor weekly by injection.

Yes, I'm looking forward to giving myself shots. If it will make me feel better and normal. Most days I feel like I'm 80 something.. hobbling.. limping.. wincing with the pain.. I'm 31 going on 32 yet I feel like I'm turning 82 considering a cane to help. I buy bigger sneakers cause my feet swell from the arthritis eating away at the bottoms of my feet. Yet I move on. I have an active 2 year old. When I feel like just laying down and crying in pain. I remember I have little eyes on me. I can do this. I got it.

Pain wise. I almost wish I was in labor again. Pain meds you ask. Haha! Yeah right. Thanks to all those pill addicts out there. The real people in pain don't get relief. Those with Fibromyalga (a real disease) but also a silent disease.

And my heart goes out to the kids. The kids that have to take predinesone and Methotrexate. They fight throught the pain and are robbed of a childhood because of the pain. Those kids are my real heros.