Now I understand.

My earliest thought was why can't my mom pick me up. I think I was toddler or I was 3 or 4 but I remember her not being able to pick me up and it made me sad. I remember I would cry and cry over it. Luckily my dad lugged me everywhere but then as I got older I started to notice that my mom wasn't like everyone else's mom. When we went to the mall or zoo she was always looking for a place to rest or she couldn't go past a bench without resting. Even my grandpa, twice her age could walk and have energy to keep up with me. I also didn't understand why my mom couldn't french braid my hair or make it pretty when I was 8. Only my aunt could. Or when I would be embarrassed of the way my mom's hands looked when I was going into Junior high. Yes I can admit I was a shallow teenager who didn't think of anyone but myself.

But now I can say I understand. I understand not having the energy to get out of bed and tackle things. I can understand how pain can start in your feet shoot up to knees and take over your wrists and hands. I can understand not being able to pick up your daughter cause your hands are so swollen (thank goodness for piggy back rides). Mostly I can understand "living with it". Living with the side effects of the drugs. Waking up every morning wondering if today will be a good day or a bad day. Or getting a virus/cold and having it hit your 100x worse then you ever had one due to your medicines making your immune system zero.

I will give you the none medical term of what rheumatoid arthritis is. It is an auto immune disease that attacks your joints, ligaments and bones. I have an over active immune system that has turn into piranhas for my joints. So it's like my white cells eating away at my joints from the inside. Now that we are living in the modern age of medicine, doctors know what this disease is and how to treat it, stop it/ slow it down, and possibly find a cure for it.

In the early 1970's doctors had no idea what rheumatoid arthritis was. They thought it was just aches and pains and gave patients Tylenol. In the 90's more was learned of this disease and experimental drugs helped with treatment and slowing down the deformation it could leave behind.

Here are some pictures of people who have severe cases.

(And no those aren't my mom's Xrays above to those family members who love to gossip.)

My overall goals is to learn as much of this disease as I can, learn to eat clean, stay strong physically and emotionally and become spiritually fit for me and my family.

I just started reading this great book "Take Me Home From the Oscars" by Christine Schwab. She is a fashion editor and does make overs for Regis, Oprah, Ellen. And she too struggles with arthritis. And she was really good at hiding it but as I'm reading this book it explains to much of what I feel. I guess I have comfort to know I'm not alone. And that there is hope.